Henry's Web Log

In the wake of last week's sad news, and on the heals of a recent "Basra Idol" contest here, I thought I'd try my hand at scripting a short comedy routine, poking a little fun at our desert situation. I'll open it up for comments and see if the spammers attack, but I'd appreciate your feedback.

Background: The 34th Infantry division is about 1/3 of the audience, and the newest arrival. They're mostly from the Minnesota National Guard. Also big in the audience is the 2nd Brigade of the 4th Infantry Division. Regular Army, hard charging warfighters. So here goes...

Red Bull, where are you? Yeah! Enjoying Basra? Like those CHUs? Well, I’ll tell you, as one of the lucky residents of a CHU, I can say it’s not all that 4 walls have been cracked up to be. One of the new rules, I mean besides everybody below Full Colonels having a roommate, some having three soldiers to a 10x10 room, is that we need to shut off the air conditioners when we’re gone more than 4 hours. For most of us, that means during the heat of the day.

So you take your bed, wrap it in a metal container, seal it up, put it in the 120 to 130 degree sun, and let it simmer for 12 to 16 hours while you and your roommate work the day shift. Sounds like a great recipe for my grandmother’s pot roast! Put the meat on a bed of rice in an aluminum pot, wrap it in foil, let it simmer. At least a pot roast gets basted!

I came back to our CHU last night, and the bed was HOT. I mean, like getting into a car with leather seats on a sunny day HOT. That’d be great for the middle of winter if we could just trade places there by 6 months, but a hot bed is a new experience in the summer. I cranked up the A/C and went for a shower... Guess what? My shower gel was HOT, and it just poured out of the bottle like water. And my toothpaste. If you’ve never brushed your teeth with hot toothpaste, you’re missing a real treat. There’s probably some exclusive Country Clubs in Minnesota where they preheat your toothpaste for you, and it’s considered a luxury, so you don’t know just how good you’ve got it here in Basra!

Of course, the faucets are labeled wrong, too. Cold water is usually pretty warm, and by the way, I know that truck that fills up the water says “potable water” on it, but the signs say DON’T DRINK THE WATER. Don’t brush your teeth with it. So where is the potable water going? To the toilets? To me, that’s not water. It’s not cold, it’s not drinkable. So why does the truck say “potable water?” That’s like the fuel trucks out at the fuel point. Have you seen those? There’s a big warning on each truck that says, “Danger! Inflammable!”

Now in almost every word in the English language, when you put the prefix “in” on the front of a word, it means “NOT.” Like, INDESCRIBABLY HOT! It’s SO hot, you can’t describe it. So the fuel is INFLAMMABLE, and if you see the MoGas trucks what do they say? “Danger! Highly Inflammable.” Check it out some time.

Seriously, though, Iraq has made some outstanding progress since 2003. And you’re a big part of that! It is absolutely awesome that the elections were a great success, the Iraqi citizens overwhelming voted for leaders who embrace building the infrastructure and economy of this nation, and people are getting out and making a difference. So we’re transitioning now, on our way out, and most of what we contribute now is advice and assistance.

In fact, our new Brigade Combat Teams on the way in next year are now called “Advisory and Assistance Brigades.” Did you know that? This is the new politically correct term. Where’s the 2/4 tonight? You’ve heard of these “AAB’s” - Am I right?

It’s still a Brigade of 3,000 trained warfighters, but they’re here to advise and assist. We’ll help the Iraqi Army become independent. For example, we’ll stand next to a squad of the Iraqi army and say, “Hey! See those Terrorists over there?” Well, wait, terrorists isn’t the right word. “Hey, see those peace-challenged fellows over there with an armload of TNT, a motorcycle battery and a detonation switch?” I advise you to light them up with this Mark 19 I happen to have with me. Do you need assistance loading it?